


Breakdown

by Jackb



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Broken man, Clumets, Episode Related, Episode: s01e07 Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Magic to make the sanest Man go mad, Sort Of, Staber
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 12:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12681642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackb/pseuds/Jackb
Summary: The aftermate of the time-loops





	Breakdown

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, Please note that i'm french and still learning english, so please be tolerant on any mistake and don't hesitate to show me where I'm wrong so I can get better.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

 Sixty time ? We'd gone through the time-loops sixty time ? » Culber says, walking nervously in their quarter, his tone full of stress, anger and anxiety.  
« Hugh.. »  
« And I didn't believe you once ? » Paul sigh.  
« Yes, you did. »  
« How many times ? »  
« It's not important, please I need calm, the captain want a report for each time-loops I need to mark them all down or I'm going to forget some and mix some tomorrow. »  
« How many time Paul ! » He roars, slapping his hand on the table.

He's not angry at Paul, but at himself.

« Hugh.. » Paul says, tired.  
« Please, tell me ! »  
« I don't know.. »  
« Yes, you know ! » He pushes. Paul abdicate.  
« Something like two or three times, can I go back to the report ? I'm tired I want to go to sleep. Unlike you, unlike all of you I feel all the hours, I'm awake for almost two days now, it's.. it's.. whatever. »

Hugh barely heard him, walking in front of their chamber before continuing to walk nervously.  
He didn't believe Paul more than two or three times ? On sixty try ? That's insane, he should have been the first to believe him, to give enough credit to what he was saying. But he didn't and he can't believe that. How wrong it is ! It's all wrong for him. They have worked for years now to trust each other on every level and for everything, and he failed ? Sixty time ? What was wrong with him ? What was wrong in their relationship ? How could he not trust Paul ?

What he doesn't like either it's that Paul doesn't seem to care. Shouldn't he be angry at him ? For not trusting him enough ? For not helping him through this shit ? Why does he act like everything was normal, like nothing was wrong ? He saw that something was wrong in their relationship sixty time and he isn't angry ?  
Maybe, maybe he just gives up on him. And it makes him feel terrible. He knows that no matter of how much Paul is tired, if he's angry he will always pass it first, so he can't be because he's too tired to be mad, it's just that he isn't mad. And it's wrong. Not that he likes conflict, he hates them, especially with Paul, but he feels like they should have a conflict right now. Or just talk about it. He comes back to his man.

« Leave me alone, I need to finish that. » Paul says still concentrated on his report.  
« No, we need to talk. »  
« We don't need to talk. Please, let me finish my work. » Hugh sighs. He hates this, but he waits. Work pass before personal stuff, it's how they made it work and he hates it because being patient now is frustrating.

But he waits until Paul finishs his draft report, and he waits for Paul to get more comfortable, take a shower, change clothe, get ready to go to bed. He pushes a little, but Paul ignore him.

« Paul ! We need to talk ! »  
« We don't need to talk, please, let's sleep ! »  
« No.. »  
« It's been almost two days, I need sleep, I need to rest, later. »

Hugh doesn't like it, but he see it clearly in Paul face, he's exhausted and no matter how much he wants to talk right now, he can't push Paul. He's a doctor, he just can't, it's almost a reflex. So he drops the case and just watch Paul falling into sleep in a minute straight. But he can't sleeps the only thing he can do is watch his man sleeping and he can't stop thinking.

He didn't believe Paul.

It's two hours later that he can't handle it anymore.  
« Paul ! Paul ! Wake up, we need to talk, Paul ! » He says while he shakes him gently.  
« Later I said. » says a small grumpy voice.  
« No, we can't, we need to do this now ! »

Paul sighs. Hugh can sometimes be really stubborn, and he knows he can't do a thing except abdicate when Hugh get like this. He emerges sleepy, the sooner it's done, the sooner he can go back to sleep.

« What do you want to talk about ? » He says in a small impatient voice.  
« You know what, I didn't believe you more than twice, I didn't trust you more than twice, doesn't that made you mad ? »  
« No. » He says, clear and straight. Hugh frowns.  
« No ? .. you.. you don't expect that from me ? Trust ? Blind trust ? »  
« Yes of course.. »  
« So why doesn't it make you mad ? Why aren't you mad at me ? How can you stay impassible.. »  
« Shut up ! »  
« I beg your pardon ? »  
« Shut up Hugh, you don't know. » His tone is not mad, just tired.  
« I don't know ? I don't know what ? » He groans, pushing, because hell he's angry, he's angry because Paul is not angry.

There's a long pause before Paul talk again. Hugh let him take that time, even if he can't barely stand it, just trying to keep his anger on a leash.

« Would you be mad at me if you gone through sixty time-loops and I didn't trust you more than three times ? » Hugh takes a little time to respond.  
« Yes. »  
« Would you still be mad if you knew I died sixty time ? »  
Hugh goes silent.  
« Would you still be mad if you watched me die ? Many times ? Because that's what it is. » Paul grab Hugh shirt and get him closer, put his forehead against his. « That's what happened. I didn't felt angry, I still don't, I felt frustrated, but it wasn't your fault. I know I'm acting strange since the tardigrade DNA and the Jump, it's normal for you to be more suspicious on what I can say. And see you die, and die and die. » And then he chokes. Whimpering, tears sliding free on his cheeks. « How could I be mad at you ? You are everything to me, more than anything. And every time the loops begun again, I remembered you die, and it was horrible, and yet you were here for another thirty minutes before again you was taken from me. Mad at you ? Don't be an idiot, I'm not angry at you, but at Mudd, and at me. »  
He didn't say another world and just pulled Hugh closer so he can hug him and cry on his chest. Hugh was a little disoriented and didn't know what to do except holding tight Paul against him. It felt weird to hear that, because to obtain such a reaction from him, Hugh habitually needed to push Paul. If he didn't needed to be pushed here, it meant that he was already at the edge. And Hugh hates this fact because it's serious.  
« Never leave me, and never die, please, please, oh god, please. » And he cries, this small, desperate and hurting sound. And he shakes, like he's actually holding a dying Hugh.

And the only thing Hugh can do his holding his broken man, feels falling apart in small pieces, see him getting small and fragile, hears him being afraid and desperate. He had never seen Paul being like that, it's frightening. The soft scream that follows isn't here to help either. And his man is holding to him like he's drowning, holding him so tight that it feels like he want to melt.

« Paul, I.. »  
« Shut up ! » He snapped. « You're an idiot ! » He cries even more.  
« Hey, I'm here, it's ok, I'm here. »  
« I.. I.. oh god, I saw you die. You.. you died in my arms. You died whiles we were arguing. You died whiles protecting me. You.. you, you just died, and died, and died, again and again, and again. I couldn't stop it, I didn't succeed to stop it, and because of me you died sixty times. Oh god. »  
« Shuuush I'm here. »  
« I'm going to be sick. »  
« Hey, hey, I'm here, look at me ! Look at me, I'm here ! I'm alive ! »  
« I love you. »  
« I love you too dear. » He hugs him tightly, pressing Paul's face to his chest as he sinks into any touch.  
« If.. If.. I could.. I would let the entire crew die if it meant that you're alive, I would let the entire fleet die if it meant that you don't. »  
« Shuu, don't say that. »  
« It's true ! I would. » Another desperate and chaotic scream leave his lips before the tears come slide again with full force.

Hugh doesn't know what to do to console him, to make him calm and feel better. He has no clue of what he has to do to reassure him, but he knows what he can do. He strokes gently his hair and his back, he kisses him on his forehead, on his nose, on his eyes, on his cheeks, on his lips, everywhere he can find. He's tender, and gentle, and loving. Gently he passes his hands under Paul's shirt to stroke his skin and help him, feel him better and they hug tight. He tells him that he loves him so much time that the words get lost and are not enough to express the feeling.

Slowly Paul finishes to calm himself, his breath still shaken, his body still trembling and hug don't stop touching him, caress him, kiss him.

« Hugh.. »  
« We are going to create a code between us, a one that say 'No matter how crazy I sound you have to believe me fully' » Paul nodded his approval. « But not now, later, tomorrow. Right now you must sleep. »  
« Don't leave ! »  
« I'm right here, don't worry, I won't leave, just relax. »

Paul finally fell asleep again in Hugh arms. But the doctor couldn't, he stayed awake, stroking his man hair, thinking and feeling. He swore, no matter the fact he's a doctor, he would destroy everybody and everything that would put his man in this state again.

End.


End file.
